An intro and some thoughts on vouyerism

 Hello! This is my attempt at making a website for my art. I've been trying to find unique ways to display my portfolio, so it's easy for people to access! My very awesome coworker Gwen has a blog on here called, Krillingandjamming@blogspot.com. So, give her a visit! This website would not exist if not for her.

Currently, this is what I am working on: I want to submit photos to Foto Forum in Santa Fe NM. They have a really awesome reward, and I'd love to actually have my photos on display somewhere. something I've come to realize looking through last year's winners though is that I am severely lacking in digital photography. I've been really focused on film as of late, and it still feels pretty experimental to me. I started taking film photography in 2023! It feels surreal to think about because that's three years ago now. I still feel like a baby in terms of skill, knowledge, and general confidence about it. A bit frustrating because most people would think three years is more than enough time. I feel a bit embarrassed about it. I still struggle with lighting and generally picking interesting things to photograph. I feel as though it's easy to take photos of everyday life, but I also haven't done it enough to really know. Usually, I whip out my camera at parties or on a day where I can walk around and take photos of things rather than people. It's easy to say, "This is a party! It must be memorialized!" rather than going up to a stranger and secretly snapping a photo. I'd rather take photos of dilapidating buildings and strange looking birds rather than people. When I do take photos of people, it's because I have an excuse. "Let's put you in this pretty dress with this pretty backdrop. Its valentines?! Let's put you in a pretty red dress with other red things. You make clothes? let me take photos of you modeling them. It's so easy because you're already so conventionally attractive!" I guess I just want to take photos with more substance, more depth. I think I really came to this conclusion on my most recent trip to Cuauhtémoc, Chihuahua.  I've been dealing with these thoughts for a while now, but I vowed to myself to take some hard-hitting photos here. This is where my family is from, and it was my first time visiting since right before covid started. The first time I visited with a conscious brain was then too, right before covid. My parents said to me, "you'll be able to go every summer now!" Pretty sad to think about now. 

Anyways. Out of the 36 chances I got, only 31 photos came out. Pretty good, I'd say! When i got the photos developed, it was exciting to look back on my trip, but that was kind of it. I don't think i could show these to a gallery and have them go, "wow, this is really intriguing." There are two photos that maybe do live up to that though. It's photos of my grandmas' graves, alongside my parents with each one. This was the first time my parents were able to see their graves in person. My grandmother on my dad's side, Alicia, was buried a block of gravestones away from my grandmother on my mom's side, Hermila. I didn't think my sister would have much a reaction, as she didn't spend a lot of her childhood with them because they lived in Mexico and rarely visited. She could not stop crying though. She turned 14 last year and it was strange to see how many tears she could muster out of her little body. 

I knew my mom would want me to take photos, as well as my dad, but I wasn't sure how my grandpa (On my dad's side, as on my mother's he couldn't make it.) would feel about it. I knew he probably would think it was invasive, so I snapped super quick photo while he was fixing up her grave, hoping he wouldn't notice. I snapped another quick photo as my aunt hugged my mom while they stood over their mother's grave. When I showed my mom the photo she thanked me. 

There are native people to Cuauhtémoc, and they're called Tarahumara. Through doing some research, I think they prefer to be called  Rarámuri, but I am not sure if that applies to the area I was visiting. I wouldn't know because I don't have anyone in my family who is that kind of native. They make bracelets, they're known for running to pray, and I see more women around than men. Every once in a while, I see young boys, and wonder where they end up away from the rest of the city. They do beg on the streets or preform tricks on the street for pesos. I saw this girl juggling in between cars. She must have been twelve years old or so. Not older than that. We had this little baby walk up to us, he was a toddler, wearing a sweet blue shirt. Nothing traditional. He walked up to us inside a restaurant while we paid, as his mom stayed outside the door watching him. "Limosna? Limosna?" 

My dad gave him some pesos. Later on, when we were driving away from the restaurant, we saw him and his mother making their way to a paleteria. Good for them. 

Anyways, point being, I really wanted to take a photo of this population. The women wear beautiful traditional skirts, and when I first came to visit Cuauhtémoc, they used to dress way more traditionally. This time around though, they had cute name brand bags and juicy couture labeled jackets that matched the color of whatever traditional skirt they were wearing. It was so cute. But i felt awkward taking photos of them. I didn't want to snap a photo from the car window, or hovering suspiciously over them for the "right" moment when they'll avert their gaze away from... not me. They're not looking at me. But i have a fear that as soon as i lift up my camera they'll look directly at me. Would it make a good shot? Maybe. I don't know. I know a lot of street photographers hold their camera haphazardly and wave it around taking random photos of strangers while walking casually. I need to "develop" my technique. But I feel like a tourist. I don't want to feel like a tourist in the place my parents grew up. I guess it's only natural, but I don't like it. I wish I could just sink into the scenery and be a bug on the wall. But no matter what, I feel slightly out of place there. And yet I still feel very attached to the people, the land, the air.

I think I feel like that in most places where I want to take photos that feel even slightly invasive. Slightly out of place. I know that i personally hate having my photo taken. I've gotten better about it but in general, I really hate feeling caught off guard. Which is why I'd rather be behind the camera. Obviously, I still want my photo taken in order to chronicle my life for when I die, but that's a double-edged sword, no? 

Taking photos of the Tarahumara as well as the general population of Cuauhtémoc felt very hard for me. I felt like I was taking advantage, like I was exploiting something beautiful. My dad took a super good photo of a Tarahumara woman making bracelets. He was so close up, and she didn't notice at all. I wondered how he did that. The whole time i was taking photos I would tell my parents I was nervous about people confronting me, and they kept saying, "no one cares, just go for it." I think it feels harder because I'm taking photos on a film camera rather than a phone. A phone is secretive enough. But I feel i must adhere to some sort of fine art rule? I'm not sure. That's not true. I think i just love taking photos on film. there is something very addicting to me about it. When I showed my mom the physical photos that came out, she said, "This is great. I'm really glad you take photos like this, because when you take them on a phone they just get lost forever. These are physical." 

Here is what I'd like to improve upon: Lighting, street photography, developing my own prints, and digital photography as well. Also making sure my thumb is not in frame. (Some of the photos I shot in Mexico have my thumb in the corner, which is something that only happens with that camera, so I'm choosing to blame the camera.)

I think once I figure out exactly how to use this website, I'd like to include a folder to chronicle my experiments or general "mid" photos. 

Thanks for reading this far if you have. :) Maybe leave a comment if you have a thought.